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Sep. 13th, 2013 @ 07:19 pm That kinda lux just ain't for us, we crave a different kinda buzz...
Emotion:: proud
Sound:: Lorde - Royals
Well, we decided to stay in Michigan for a while. I know that isn't really a good place to start a story, but it'll have to do. I'm really happy that we made that decision, actually. I love Chicago, but since moving back here it's started to feel more like home. I don't know that I'll stay here forever, but everything was screaming at me to stay for now, so stay we will.

Many new changes on the horizon, too. New apartment, raise at work, lots of personal emotional discovery and finding my family for lack of a better term. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's the level of maturity that I've reached, it could be a lot of things... but the last year or so (the last few months, especially) have done quite a lot for helping me build my "tribe" as Em likes to refer to it. Honestly, I like to refer to it that way as well but I don't want to seem like I'm stealing the term.

If I had to pick a center of my social circle, a touchstone if you will, it would actually be Em now that I think of it. He and Elaine have pretty much been the crux of a lot of the emotional progress that I've made. I enjoy having people close to me that are relatively even-keeled, that I can rely on and get honest feedback from. I had a bit of a drunken braindump on Em last weekend, but I don't regret it at all. If there's one thing I can say for alcohol and I, it's that it only makes me more honest. Important discussion was had and I'm glad for it.

The chess pieces of my life are moving around, but I think things are finally finding a good balance. Some people are shifting forward, others backward, a few laterally. I'm becoming a bit less reliant on unhealthy habits, as well as unhealthy people. I'm learning to hold my own when I'm judged or when assumptions are made about me. I still have a good solid chunk of social anxiety, but I'm beginning to have a little more control over it.

I'm out of meds. I stopped taking them about a week ago, for better or worse. I was in the process of trying to make an appointment, and after several frustrating brick walls I started to think about WHY I was trying to make that appointment. Yes, the Wellbutrin helped a lot of things. It made me less tired, less socially anxious, kept my head above water when the depression or frustration tried to drag me under. Honestly, though, a lot of the things that exacerbate my issues involve my terrible self-care habits. I don't get enough sleep, I eat crap junk food all the time. I don't make the effort to make myself cute often enough. I don't take any vitamins, I don't drink enough water, I don't exercise. Does this stuff cause my BPD? Of course not. But it does amplify my issues and make them more difficult to handle. So what's the plan for the short-term? Take better care of myself, generally. Get 8 hours of sleep every night that's reasonable, even if it means less free time. Eat better food, and less that comes from a drive-thru. Take my supplements, including 5-HTP for a month or two to see if it helps. Get out of the house more often. See people, possibly even by myself once in a while. Talk about what goes on in my head to people that matter and who can be good sounding boards. Keep my brain occupied by reading often and trying to extend my attention span, as well as studying when I have the chance. Ride my bike, go swimming, go for a walk. Do these things with the above-mentioned awesome people in my life, and kill two birds with one stone.

So I guess that's the bulk of what's been going on with me. Lots of "finding the important things." Lots of figuring out how to take care of myself, how to properly take care of others. Cherishing the moments when I'm reminded of how far I've come. Oftentimes those moments come from less-than-enjoyable encounters with people I know who have similar issues, but I've stopped being as judgmental and used them as learning experiences. I'm finally at a point in my life where I have "enough" of things, and it's time to start spreading that around to help those that I'm close to that need it.

I haven't finished the journey by a long shot, but I feel like I'm finally on Book Two and turning that page feels amazing.
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Nov. 3rd, 2012 @ 11:41 am There's a place we can all be together, where the moon and the stars reside, do you want to go home?
Emotion:: ecstaticecstatic
Work on Friday was going to take forever, I knew as much, so I decided first thing in the morning to stick some Post-It notes over the time on my computer screen and my phone so that I wouldn't be clock-watching all day. Work was busy, so the time actually passed fairly quickly. It also helped that Em and I had a good, long discussion about future zombie survival plans. That's always fun. I managed to get to the time clock at exactly 5:00, and hurried to the car.

I blasted Hide and Seek the whole way to pick up Lesley from her work, and I made the drive in about 40 minutes in Friday traffic. Still don't know how that happened. I stopped at McDonald's for a quick fish sandwich and we went home. I ate while Lesley showered, and checked TBM forums to see if anyone had posted a picture of the merch booth, yet. They had, and I picked out what I thought I'd want and made note of prices. I took my shower, then we started getting ready. The outfit that Lesley helped me put together was amazing... my star shoes, purple and black tights, my black petticoat with a purple underskirt over that and then my lacey-striped skirt on top, corset, purple tank top and my black arm-covery thingy. We put my hair in tiny pigtails in the back with purple and black bows, and Lesley curled the long front parts of my hair into loose spirals on either side of my face. She wore her Sailor Moon dress, and had her pigtail falls in.

We left the house at about 8:15, and doors were at 9:00. We stopped at 7-11 to get cash, an energy drink and a Gatorade, and headed out to The Pike Room @ The Crofoot. We didn't get too lost on the way, and it was only a 20 minute drive. We got there just after 9:00, parked in the lot and stood in line outside for a minute. When we got inside, we went straight to the TBM merch booth and got a hoodie and two t-shirts. Lesley and I stood in line for a bit at the bar, and that's about when Rose got there. We talked for a bit, and then Terror Network was starting so Rose and I started to work our way up to the front left-hand side of the stage while Lesley waited in line for a couple of Woodchucks.

Terror Network wasn't bad, but I think the singer needs to yell more and sing less. Plus, their vocals were WAY up, and louder than the music. It wasn't their best show, but I think the did alright. Lesley met us in the crowd towards the end of Terror Network's set, and we started slowly inching our way toward the stage. There was a very tall guy to the right of me who I was worried was going to be in my way, so that was a little stressful. That's about when Elaine and Emmy showed up, and Elaine was awesome enough to lend me her camera for the evening so that I could take pictures!!

Aesthetic Perfection came on next, and they played a good show. I felt bad that I didn't recognize that it was them until they played "The Siren", but I liked the music. I need to download a bit more of their stuff. After Aesthetic Perfection, the girl that was in front of me asked the tall guy and his girlfriend (who I believe was completely wasted on some sort of drugs because she was almost impossible to talk to without getting interrupted and she said a lot of things that just struck me as really strange) if she could stand in front of them because she had evidently driven 7 1/2 hours to see William Control, who was on next. They let her, and it was about then that Lesley started to overheat pretty badly. It was really warm. Since the William Control girl and her boyfriend were planning on leaving right after his set, I asked him if he would switch spots with Lesley so that she could stand by the window. It's a good thing I did, because if I hadn't, I'm not sure she'd have made it through the whole concert. That window was a lifesaver.

Anyhow, then William Control came on. I immediately disliked him because he and his band seemed really entitled, egotistical and condescending. His music was alright, but it sounded so similar to She Wants Revenge that I had trouble judging it on its own. I, Lesley and the girl standing in front of us at that point were mostly just MST3King his whole set because none of us liked him and we were all antsy for TBM to come on. Eventually, William Control's set was over and we scooted a bit closer to the stage.

At this point, there were only two people in front of us... an older guy and his wife. We ended up talking to them, partly because I had seen earlier in the evening that the guy was checking the TBM forums on his phone, so I knew that he was a huge fan. They had VIP passes, and he and his wife were really nice.

At this point, I knew that TBM was actually going to go on (my brain doesn't let me really get excited about things until I know that there's no chance of them NOT happening, and up until this point I had thought that the concert would get sold out, they'd reach max capacity before we got there, that Chibi would strain her voice too much and they'd have to cancel, and even that during William Control while everyone was jumping up and down that the floor was going to break through under us. I think I have issues, lol.) and so I started to get a little overwhelmed and more than a little fangirlish. I was seriously shaking. Rose and Lesley thought it was adorable, and because I was so excited, the other guy that was in front of us told me that he usually can only handle about 5 songs or so at the front before he has to move back because of the volume (he was a bit older, as well) so I could have his spot after that! He was almost directly at the front, so that was awesome. I totally hugged him.

Then, TBM finally went on... I was completely mesmerized the whole time, and it was even better than I thought it'd be. Chibi is completely silly and goofy and awesome. She was always making silly faces and jumping around and playing with the crowd. It only made me adore her and their music more. I could tell she was holding back on her voice a lot, but I knew that it'd gotten pretty strained even at the last concert, since she's had surgery recently on her vocal cords, and I could tell that she was having trouble with her monitors because she kept messing with them while she was singing, so it seemed like it was hard for her to hear herself. Her voice only broke a couple of times, though, and none of us cared at all because everything sounded so good and the crowd energy was so hyped-up and happy. Five or six songs in, the guy that told me he'd let me have his space let me take it, so I left Lesley with the camera by the window and moved up.

Chibi's very touchy with fans while she's on stage, so there was a lot of hand-grabbing and hugging and whatnot. During "Midnight", just after the "your fingers breaking as you place them over mine" part, she grabbed onto my hand for a second and, it's going to sound silly, but the only thing I remember thinking was "Wow, her hands are RIDICULOUSLY soft." It's like she bathes in lotion every day, lol.

The rest of the concert was really good, and there was one point where a little girl who was about 8 years old (who I'm assuming was also at the VIP meet and greet, since Chibi posted a picture after the show of a painting that the girl did for her) who was kinda sitting at the side of the stage so that she could see, got brought up on stage to sing the last chorus of "Happy Birthday" with the band. I don't think I've ever been jealous of an 8-year-old before, but it was really neat to see. The girl was kinda shy and looked a little overwhelmed, but was super happy. It was cute. They played almost every song I wanted to hear, including most of my favorites off of the new album. They didn't do the whole walking off the stage, waiting for an encore chant, come back on thing because Chibi said there wasn't enough room to get off the stage anyhow, and that we were all being really awesome so they just stayed. The show ended a few songs later, the lights came up and I just kinda walked over to Lesley and fell-hugged on her for a little while.

I was REALLY thirsty (note to self: buy water next time) so she went to get me a water and I talked to the people in front of us some more. They were indeed from the forums, and he and his wife were so nice that they gave me the set list that was in front of them. Lesley came back with a water and the Hide and Seek vinyl, and then the very nice people helped me sneak into conversations that the band members were having, once they came out, so that I could get signatures. Chibi didn't come out, but that was totally understandable. She didn't come out at the show a couple of nights prior, either, because she was worried about her voice. I got signatures on the set list and the vinyl from Rainbow, Owen and Rhim. I talked to the forum people for a bit longer, and then headed towards the door.

As I was going down the stairs, Henry was coming up them from taking things to the car. I grabbed him for a second and asked him if their backstage area was the same as TBM's backstage area, and he kinda just grabbed my arm, said "Come here" and took me back there! And there was Chibi, just hanging out and talking to the other members of Terror Network. Henry kinda snuck us into the conversation, and that's about when my heart stopped beating. Chibi turned her attention to me, and I said something along the lines of "You guys were amazing tonight. What you guys do means a lot to me, so I just wanted to say thank you." Her face lit up, and she gave me a hug. I apologized for being a little overwhelmed, and told her that I had to try not to cry when they came onstage earlier, and she said "Well, I'm glad you didn't!" with a smile and held onto my hand with both of hers because I was shaking a little. Then she gave me another hug. I found a permanent marker and asked her for her signature on the set list, and she asked me what my name was. I told her, and had to spell it for her (It was cute, she kinda tapped in the air J-E-S-S-Y so that she'd remember it) and wrote "Thank you Jessy" on the set list and signed it. Lesley took a picture of us together (and also snuck one while I was talking to her, in which I look kind of awful but it's obvious how happy and overwhelmed I am) and then Lesley came up to talk to her. She asked her about her Sailor Saturn tattoo, and asked if she could get a picture of it because she couldn't find any good ones online. So Chibi rolled up her sleeve and showed us (and said something along the lines of "Look, I'm flexing!") and I took a picture. Then I took a picture of the two of them, and she signed Lesley's vinyl. After that, the other Terror Network people came up and asked me for the marker so that they could get stuff signed, and the girl in their band (Bri, I think her name is) said something about how she understands how I feel, that she loves them too and was still trying to believe that they actually opened for them. I said something to the effect of "Yes, this band is one of only two that is going to have ink on my skin." and Chibi was like "You guys are so nice!" After that, I asked Henry if he needed me to help him carry anything downstairs and he said no, and that we should go so that I could get Lesley into bed because she looked super tired. So I said goodbye to everyone, and Chibi waved at us and said goodbye, and then we left.

With all of the adrenaline and the excitement and my huge shoes it was hard for me to get down the stairs and across the crumbling parking lot, but Lesley helped hold me up. When we got outside, the forum couple were in the parking lot by their car talking to one of the other forum guys. I told them about how Henry had gotten me backstage and they were really happy for me, and told me that their first concert had been similar because they'd stayed to get things signed after the concert and were at the very end of the line, and that by the time they got up to her she was basically just like "Yeah, let's go have a cigarette" and they stood outside and just chatted with her for about 45 minutes. After squeeing to them for a while and promising to contact them on the forum and start posting more and stuff, we got into the car.

I'm sure I talked Lesley's ear off the whole ride, but it took a good long while for me to calm down. We had a couple of minutes of getting lost while leaving Pontiac, but we got home fairly quickly. We changed into comfy clothes (I put on the hoodie because it was warm and soft and cuddly) and sat down to look at our pictures and the set list and stuff. I took another picture of the set list, and then we posted the pictures online and tagged people. I think I tagged Chibi in about 20 of them, and it's cute because in half of them she's making silly faces at the crowd. I was a little hesitant about making the whole folder public, but then I realized that it didn't matter how I looked in them because other fans (and Chibi, for that matter) would totally understand what was going on on those pictures so they wouldn't care. After some posts on FB and picture descriptions, I finally went to bed. It took a while to calm down enough to sleep, but eventually I got some rest at around 4AM. I then proceeded to wake up at 10AM sharp, still with tons of endorphins. So I grabbed Tardy and gave him to Lesley, and let her sleep for a bit longer while I got up and cleaned a bit. Then, there was this here LJ posting. *sigh*

I know it sounds kind of silly that I was that happy to meet Chibi, but I don't think that I've ever had music resonate with me the way that this band does. The way that I explain it to people is that this is what the inside of my head would sound like, if you added violins. And the fact that she was so humble and grateful to the fans, and just generally an awesome, happy, kind person just kind of solidified it for me. Plus, she's really interactive with the crowd, instead of how most bands will just be The Band and everyone else is The Crowd, if you know what I mean. She made eye contact with people, and waved to the people at the back of the room, and gave hugs while on stage. She's just a really nice PERSON, as well as her brain seeming to have a lot in common with mine. So I'm not embarrassed by last night. One of the big things that I try to do in my life is let people know how much I appreciate them, and I needed to let her know that what she does is really important to me. And now she knows, and my heart feels better for it. And really, that's all that matters.
About this Entry
Dec. 7th, 2009 @ 01:22 am (no subject)
Emotion:: crushedcrushed
I can't believe it's already been a year...

I miss you, Dad.

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Sep. 25th, 2009 @ 12:30 pm (no subject)
Emotion:: discontentdiscontent
Happy Birthday, Dad. I miss you.
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Sep. 13th, 2009 @ 09:33 pm Yay for derby!
Emotion:: excitedexcited
Just got back from a Detroit Derby Girls pre-season game at Riverside Arena. Racer McChaseHer remembered seeing us at the Drew Barrymore thing for "Whip It" and asked us if we were still wanting to do stats. She had us talk to AK, and we're probably going to start attending practices next week! Being involved in derby again makes things feel more normal here. I can't wait!
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Sep. 11th, 2009 @ 09:05 pm If you never take the first step, you cannot go too far...
Emotion:: anxiousanxious
Sound:: High Places - Jump In
So, it has come to my attention that I spend far too much time updating Facebook and not nearly enough time writing in Livejournal. I really should change that.

Went to Farmington Hills to see Drew Barrymore today. Stood in line for a long time, didn't get to meet her or anything. Took pictures, though. Watching the trailer for "Whip It" and overhearing all the stories from the derby girls reminded me how much I miss it.

Elaine and I are going to try and volunteer to do stats or some such for the Detroit Derby Girls this season. And get season passes, if they aren't too horribly expensive.

I've been having a serious case of hermitism lately... hardly ever going out to the club, hardly ever texting or calling people, almost never actually hanging out with anyone. I'm not really sure why. I don't think I'm depressed or anything... I mean, if I am, it's not the sort that I'm used to. Being in public just makes me feel anxious. I'm losing friends because I suck so much at keeping in touch, and I hate that. It's not that I don't want to talk to people... I just feel like I never have anything interesting to contribute.

I miss feeling like I'm actually participating in and experiencing life, rather than just floating along. I'm going to school now, so that helps, but I miss the adventures I used to have with my eclectic and numerous different groups of friends. I go back to those places now, though, and things just feel awkward. Maybe it's just me. There are all of these things I want to do and people I want to see, but the motivation is never there. I always worry about it and think too much and never end up doing it. Blah, rambling now.

Anyhow, I think Elaine and I are going to the Dally tomorrow. Possibly seeing Ashes up there, which would be nice. As for the rest of the weekend, no idea. There's a travel team pre-game on Sunday for $5, not sure on the details, we might end up doing that. I just feel like I need a change of pace and some good conversation. And to get out of the house. I think I'm just driving myself stir-crazy.
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Dec. 8th, 2008 @ 03:19 pm The hardest thing I've ever had to say...
Emotion:: crushedcrushed
My father died on Saturday, December 6th, 2008 at 7:22PM.

I can't really write a memorial entry to him right now, because I'm still in shock and don't know what to say. Sometimes things are kind of okay and I can smile and laugh with my family... sometimes I break down sobbing until my stomach and my eyes hurt... but there is a constant sense of a giant weight resting upon my chest.

I'm wearing his watch, and I'm not taking it off.

I miss you, daddy. I love you.

R.I.P. Leonard Earl Hudson
Husband of Mary Hudson.
Father of Jessica Hudson, Deanna (Jeff) Overstreet, Shannon (Keith) Jewell and Michelle Whitmore.
5 grandsons.
September 25th, 1946 - December 6th, 2008.
Memorial donations are suggested to the American Lung Association.

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Dec. 2nd, 2008 @ 02:54 pm Update on Dad...
Emotion:: scaredscared
I haven't really had a chance to update anything since I left to go to MI, sorry about that.

I'm back in Chicago now, but I wish I could be at home. If I didn't have animals to care for and a job that's about to disown me because I keep taking time off, I would still be there.

I got a call from my mom this morning... my dad's going to go into surgery Thursday morning. They said there's a 25% chance that he won't make it out of surgery.

I feel lost, and I wish I could be there for him. And for my mother, who is freaking out and not okay.

I mean, yes, that means there's a 75% chance that he'll be just fine (much better, even, after they fix things with his lung) but the other 25% scares the hell out of me.

He can't talk right now because he's intubated, but he wrote my mom a note after they found out about the surgery and it said "If anything happens, don't be sad, we had a lot of fun."

Every time I write that or say it, it makes me cry.

I'm scared.
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Nov. 24th, 2008 @ 09:30 pm Request for the sending of good energies...
Emotion:: scaredscared

My father, who is in his 60s and has been using an oxygen tank regularly for over a year now, went into the hospital this evening with two collapsed lungs. He's currently intubated and on a respirator to help him breathe, and heavily sedated.

My mother is at the hospital waiting on word of exactly how bad the situation is... my dad's been in and out of hospitals for my entire life but I don't think I've ever heard her this shaken...

I may end up taking off of work early this week and driving out there earlier than I intended to...

I know I probably don't sound like I'm freaking out about this, but I think that's mainly because I'm in a little bit of shock still and I feel like I have to keep things together for my mom.

My father and I weren't very close for most of my life, and we only really started bonding again during the last couple of years. I feel like, now that I actually have a dad again, he's going to be taken away from me before I have a chance to show him that I do love him and care for him and that he's really an awesome father even though I had trouble seeing that when I was younger.

Dad, please be okay. I love you.

"He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear"
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Aug. 18th, 2008 @ 01:01 pm If I had a PostSecret to write right now...
Emotion:: discontentdiscontent
...it'd probably say that I read every comment on his LJ just in case you've commented, because I miss hearing your voice so much.
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